Allegiant-One Burrito Will Define You-
by ElectricLeaf
Summary: A cracked-up take on chapters 47 & 49 of Allegiant. Chapter 50 to come. If it wants to. Right now it is eating pancakes. So-What if? What if the grand scheme to get into the weapons lab was not really a grand scheme? You wonder what the heck this description is talking about. You are suddenly intrigued. You click the story. You ponder life's existence. Silence.
1. Chapter 47-To Rent, or not to Rent?

There is a llama in the hallway. It smells like a mix of orange slices and shaving cream. Do not ask me how it got there, for I believe there is no answer that wouldn't upset the balance of the universe and all it holds dear.

The llama bumps me with its sombrero and then meows. I hold tighter on Caleb's leash so he doesn't go chasing after it. He'll probably think it's a new pokemon or something. Sometimes all I want is to have a normal brother, one that doesn't try to scan everyone with his smartphone with the belief it is a pokedex.

We move quickly, but not too quickly, because getting vertigo at this moment in time would suck. The more llamas I see, the more pressure I feel building up inside me. Of course, that could just be the burrito I had for lunch. I love Mexican food, but unfortunately, it doesn't love me.

Caleb's backpack, filled with nothing but spray cheese, flies above his head eerily. I make a mental note to return it. I specifically asked for a hovering backpack, not a flying one.

Llamas are walking in all different directions, including backwards and upwards. I pay no mind to their shenanigans. Soon, we will reach a hallway that doesn't exist. Then, with the power of friendship, we will make it exist.

''I think something horrible happened to that blonde chick Cara.'' Matthew suddenly says.

I give a start, accidently punching him in the face from surprise. ''Oh, sorry Matthew.'' I say seductively. ''I forgot you had a purpose apart from making Tobias jealous.''

''I don't.'' He says. ''I'm just here for kicks.''

''Cool beans.'' I reply, feeling the desire to eat another burrito. ''Anyway, why were you worried about whatsherface?''

''I saw a llama violently rip her throat out.''

''Cool beans.'' I hitch up my backpack, feeling my marshmallow gun dig into my skull. It reminds me that if I keep eating the marshmallows at this rate, I'll be out of ammo in just a few years.

I facepalm Caleb, and then Matthew, in a dramatic gesture to get us to stop.

''I have an idea.'' I say. ''We ditch the compound, and go rent a movie. Caleb and I will run to the local Redbox, and Matthew, go buy some popcorn. And a burrito. With tartar sauce.''

''Where am I supposed to get a burrito? You ransacked the food store last night and consumed all of them!'' Matthew derps.

''That sounds like a personal problem.'' I flip back my hair beautifully. ''When you find a burrito, shoot it. That way, you'll know you found a burrito.''

''Hmmm...that makes a great deal of sense. I can't believe I didn't think of that!'' He shakes his head sadly at his stupidity, then takes off down the hallway, jumping over llamas like a badass.

I yank Caleb's leash roughly and guide him to the nonexistent hallway. I'm sure they have a Redbox there.

I hear a gunshot, and turn around to see Matthew being eaten by llamas while screaming for his life.

''You idiot!'' I shout. ''I told you only to shoot if you found a burrito!'' I turn on my heel indignantly, teleporting Caleb and myself into the nonexistent hallway so I don't have to deal with this crap.

With a pop, we find ourselves in an empty hallway with shiny tinfoil wallpaper. Turns out, the hallway existed the entire time. I take a moment to process this. This is likely the biggest plot twist I've ever experienced.

I laugh maniacally. At this rate, we're sure to find a movie rental place!

''BAGELS! I MEAN, STOP!'' A voice shouts from above me.

''God? Is that you?'' I shout back.

''No, uh, this is Tim. From sewage. You're not allowed to go any farther.''

'Why not?'' I ask, slapping Caleb when he takes out his smartphone and aims it at the ceiling.

''Because I said so.'' The voice says reasonably.

''Seems legit.'' I reply, collapsing to the floor in a sign of defeat.

Caleb stares at me sadly. In this moment, in this amazing moment, I realize something. Something about my life, my family, my feelings. Something that will likely lead to a dramatic life changing decision. Something that could shatter my world, and all preconceived notions I possessed.

''Caleb.'' I start.

''Random girl I met two hours ago.'' He finishes.

I burst into tears, throwing my arms around his neck. I couldn't have said it better myself. I grab his flying backpack and let his leash drop to the floor.

''Wait! You can't! My allowance for the new Pokemon game was in there!'' He wails desperately.

''Too bad.'' I say, slapping him. Tim from sewage shouts something in Latin at us, but I ignore him.

''Caleb, you and I both know that this money will pay for several days worth of movie rentals. Think about it- we could rent a movie for a year for only three hundred sixty five dollars!'' I plead. ''Plus, if you don't let me have it, I will shoot you in the face.'' I shoot him in the face anyway for emphasis, but he just eats the bullet.

I scream loudly to check out the acoustics, then run as fast as I can to a mysterious door at the end of the hall. It reads: ''Death Room. You Will Die. It Will Be Fatal.'' I take a deep breath. No one can fool me. I know they have movies for rent in there. I just know.

I ninja kick the door open, ready to face the competition over new releases.


	2. Chapter 49-Ascots Ascots everywhere

When I open the door, a really horrible perfume greets my nostrils. I mean, REALLY horrible. Like someone died three days ago. By being hit by a garbage truck filled with rotting skunks that were then set aflame. While listening to whale sounds. Diseased whales. _''Diseased whales...''_ I intone sadly back to my mind.

Still, I can't help but feel nostalgia. Smells just like home.

I do a barrel roll across the floor because I can. Need to keep myself active if I'm going to be in the next Harry Potter movie. I take a bite out of the air like a tiger. Yes. I am ready for Hollywood.

I think of everyone I will dedicate my success speech to. Those that truly matter. Like Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. They were always never there for me.

I stifle an obnoxiously quiet yawn. I only had four cups of coffee today, so it's no wonder why I've been so lethargic. I drink the energy drink I've been holding the entire time. I feel a bit suspicious at the blue taste. I had ordered a red-flavored one.

Suddenly, a transparent invisible rainbow thread grows from my chest. I decide to name it Bill.

Bill pulls out an obnoxiously large piece of paper. On it, a crudely drawn picture of an invisible world.

''That's really racist.'' I say, lighting myself on fire. I figure it will help me against the horrid perfume, and keep me awake.

Bill tugs me to the floor, whispering plot spoilers at my face. I almost break down under the pressure. I hate when people give things away. They should at least have the dignity to say ''spoiler alert''. That's what I do when I sneak attack people from behind. Or from below. It depends what day it is. Usually, I just eat bacon on days that end in 'y'.

However, the fire I am engulfed in gives me a much-needed energy boost. Sure, Caleb's money may have been incinerated, but I have enough store credit to rival the amount Tobias spends on ascots.

''SPOILER ALERT!'' Bill chitters furiously. ''YOU DIE AT THE END ANYWAY!''

''LIES! I HAVE YET TO CHEAT ON TOBIAS, AND I AM A NATURAL BLONDE!'' I smile gently when I finish.

Bill pauses to consider this. He takes out another sheet of paper, and a pencil. He quickly eats a sandwich. I'm not sure how, considering he doesn't have a mouth and the sandwich is invisible and transparent as well, but part of being divergent includes detecting invisible sandwiches. Honestly, it's probably my favorite skill of mine, rivaled only by the ability to blink.

After several hours, Bill puts down the television remote and looks me directly in my bleeding eyes.

''After many unnecessary but completely essential calculations, I have deducted that one of the statements you told earlier was false. Question is….WHICH ONE?''

''Well, you got me.'' I shrug in triumph. ''But I did some calculations of my own while you watched basic cable, and I have deducted that YOU ARE DEAD!''

I take the flamethrower I always carry in my bra out and shoot it several times at Bill to prove my spoiler alert true. Of course, being transparent, none of them hit him. The purple flames do clear a way through the perfume though, so I can finally look at what DVD's are available in Blu-Ray.

All I see is a stupid looking door. I mean, I think it's stupid looking. I lost my eyesight three years ago in a petting farm accident. The only way I can see is by emitting a piercing scream and eating the sonar that comes back.

I run at the melting door like a boss. I slam into it as hard as my face can handle.

It doesn't budge. I knock politely.

Some boring middle-aged guy in a wheelchair answers. I feel tremendously let down. I had expected Jennifer Lawrence, or Johnny Depp at the very least.

''I am David.'' He cackles like a puppy. ''Hear me roar!''

He points a spork at me, and I know I'm done for.


	3. Chapter 50-DEATH:THE FATAL KIND

''How did you know that lighting yourself and the room on fire would create a paradox, thus clearing away the SMOKE OF DOOM and allowing you entry to my man-cave?'' David questions loudly. He's still in his wheelchair, which sucks because he now has a huge physical advantage over me. Not to mention a spork.

I blink at him stupidly, trying to get the blindness out of my eyes. It works wonders. Blinking is my best quality, afterall.

''I'm just that awesome.'' I reply. Honestly, I don't see why he'd need to ask a question that has such an obvious answer.

''I believe it.'' David says, doodling a unicorn on his arm. It's actually quite good. I jealously watch as he completes a feature-length animation. He even gets Chuck Norris to star in it.

I pretend to stare at him to make him uncomfortable. In actuality, I'm staring through him.

''I'm still upset you bested my SMOKE OF DOOM though.'' He pouts happily. ''I was even going to get it trademarked. Call it SMOKE OF DOOM.''

I pat him reassuringly on the face. ''It will get better, Sport.''

He looks at me with tears in his eyes. I slap him to make sure he understands I don't support facial expressions. Or tears. Or eyes. Or anything that begins with the letter 'T'.

''Nevermind.'' He says anticlimactically. ''I was never born anyway. I just decided to appear like a troll one day.''

''So that's why you're here….you're my shopping competition.'' I bite my thumb off to appear threatening. Then I realize I was born without teeth, so I rejoin my thumb. What fool eats their thumb without chewing first?

''I knew someone else would try to beat me to the rentals.'' David mutters in a language I may or may not understand. ''You've been flying through the compound on the back of a camel while strangling my friends with candy floss and eating all the food in sight. I mean, yeah, I didn't notice until a few seconds ago that you existed, but it was obvious from the start what you were after.'' He purrs softly in remembrance. ''Your friend Cara burst into my office ,screamed ''VIVA LA RESISTANCE!'',' shot me seven times in the chest, and stole my mechanical pencil.'' He leans in, and a huge, immense shadow passes over his face. ''I FREAKING LOVED THAT PENCIL.'' He clears his throat. ''Of course, she died tragically two minutes later when a llama beautifully consumed her. Now, I suspected this was normal behavior for a female and planned on sitting in my office all day, but I suddenly heard a voice telling me to rent movies. Told me it was essential for plot development.''

''Was that voice Tim, from sewage?'' I ask.

''Yurp.'' David recalls fondly. ''So I teleported here, because I figured 'why the hell not?'. And I'm happy to say I'm surprised to see you!'' He beams, throwing up a jelly bean.

I pick up the jelly bean and eat it like a badass. Death flavored. Yum. I stare at Davids horrible hair cut. ''You came here without a coupon and a stick?'' I nod my head in disappointment. ''Shame, child. Shame.''

His face muscles move to look at me.''Well, you see….I have a spork.''

Crap. I forgot about the spork. I was distracted by the fact a mechanical pencil got taken from a kind old man. Cara deserved what she got. You don't mess with someone else's mechanical pencil. You just don't.

I'm allergic to sporks. I know this, because when I was younger, I stabbed my foot with a spork and the foot had to get removed. Maybe it was a spoon. I'm positive it was an eating utensil that began with 's' and had an 'o' in it.

I try to focus on my mission. Rent a movie. Doesn't matter what movie. As long as it is called 'The Hunger Games'. What did Matthew tell me about the Redbox? Oh, that's right-nothing, he died. I feel like he mentioned the Redbox being a specific color though…..I go with my gut instinct. Green. Definitely green.

I need something to distract David. I cough loudly in his face. ''I know what you did last Thursday, Davie. Can I call you Davie?'' I ask rudely. ''Of course I can. Or my name isn't….hmm. Well this is awkward….'' I look sheepishly at him for the answer.

''I think it began with a 'T'.'' He smiles encouragingly.

''Thanks! That's right-Tobias.'' I say, remembering. It still doesn't feel quite right, but I figure it's close enough. ''Anyway, I know you're responsible for death. _My death_.''

''How did you know?'' Davie exclaims. ''I never told-'' He stops and stares at his face, clearly annoyed. ''It was Bill, wasn't it? He always spoils things for people.''

''Yep. He could at least have the decency to say ''spoiler alert''.

''Yes!'' Davie squees. ''Finally, SOMEONE gets it!''

''Totes.'' I say in typical teenage girl style.

The moment passes. David and I stare at each other. I feel I have more angst to release at him, but my laziness to communicate in words wins over. I start making elaborate hand signals to convey my message, but I can tell David is already dead. I quickly resurrect him using my god-like powers.

''Sorry I killed your mother.'' He says with heavy sarcasm.

''Chill, bro, we cool.'' I say, quickly taking a picture of us together for Instagram. ''Hashtag-chillin' with a murderous stupid-head! BFF'S FOR LIFE'' I label. David comments right away on what a cute couple we make. I thank him, but block him from friending me. I can't have creeps on my social media sites.

''Well.'' I begin, after another hour of us looking at pictures of cats. ''I believe now is the time for my dramatic speech.''

''I believe it is as well.'' David shakes his head in agreement.

''All my life, I've been alive. Mostly. There was that one incident in 3rd grade during math.'' I fight to hold back tears. ''But when I think of spending money on movies I could just get online for free, my heart bleeds molten lead. Literally. That's why I almost died that one time. And when I found out I was Divergent, it was the 17th best day of my life-''

''EVERYONE YOU LOVE IS DEAD.'' David interjects, laughing like a fangirl who's favorite shipping just became canon.

''NO ONE ASKED YOU.'' I growl. ''As I was saying, living in the slums of District 12 was hard. And my poor little sister… no one knew that bird was still alive. I swear.'' I take a deep breath. ''And now, here I stand, ready to grab the movie I so desperately want….OR ELSE I'M NOT DIVERGENT!'' I finish strongly, lunging towards a quarter on the ground. It's not everyday you find a quarter!

''MUHAHAHA, MORE LIKE, GOING TO DIE-A-VIRGIN!'' David cackles obnoxiously. He throws the spork through the air with surprisingly good form. It lands no where near me, but still. I'm impressed.

I hand the spork back to him. ''I'll give you another chance for old time's sake.'' I wink flirtatiously at the chair.

He smiles, blood pooling in his gums. He throws the spork again, hitting me squarely in the arm.

It falls out right away, but the effect is instantaneous. I flail about like a piece of lint, slamming my arms onto a large green button on a strange device thingy. David passes out like the jerk that he is, leaving me to die dramatically alone.

Just then, a wild Darth Vader appears. He looks fabulous as ever, wearing more ascots than Tobias normally wears.

''Are you my father?'' I ask tiredly as he approaches.

''KCSHOOO.'' He says wisely.

''What about the last of my friends? How will they have any chance at a social life without me?''

''KRRRSSHHHOOOoooooo.'' He morphs into a burrito.

I smile and eat the burrito, the last my lips will ever caress. I cry tears of blood, simply because the situation calls for it.

Bill the invisible transparent thread is tugging me again. I snap him in half violently. ''NO ONE TAKES TRIS PRIOR. ONLY TRIS PRIOR TAKES TRIS PRIOR.'' I yell adamantly, realizing too late that Bill was my life line and I essentially just killed myself. Whoops.

Can I still rent a movie after death?

I hope so.

Probably not.

Nah.

Well, this sucks.

* * *

**I HAD FUN EATING-I mean, writing this story. This was where I said I was going to stop, but I may or may not continue writing more through the perspective of Tobias. So expect more chapters-maybe. I 'll say this: MORE CHAPTERS WON'T BE EXPECTING YOU! :)**

**Unless they come to life and begin experiencing sentient thoughts. Then, run. Don't look back. Yes, you're family will get left behind. Don't look back anyway. They are watching. They are always watching.**

**Silence.**


End file.
